Murphy’s Laws of Policing

Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.


  • Bullet Proof vests aren’t.
  • The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
  • The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you’ve been a cop.
  • OC Spray works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
  • High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
  • If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
  • Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
  • Flash suppressors don’t really.
  • If you have `cleared’ all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
  • If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
  • Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
  • If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News’.
    Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, TRG jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
  • When a civilian sees the red and blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
  • If you drive your vehicle to the geometric center of the Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
  • You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don’t need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
  • Any crim with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
    From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
  • On any call, there will always be more `bad guys’ than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
  • The longer you’ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
  • Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn’t do it.
  • You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boomer.”
  • The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
  • If a large group of drunk bikers is “holed-up” in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker “holed-up” in a house, they will send the entire TRG. Team.
    The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.
  • Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
  • Laser sights work both ways
  • The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.
  • The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.
  • In general, a persons’ innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are.
  • Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
  • Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
  • Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his licence back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
  • The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
    Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
  • Cops are society’s Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we’re not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
  • Even when you’re not on call, you’re on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesn’t want to be called.
  • On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves.
  • “Spill-proof” lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren’t.
  • “Two beers, officer” is always two more than they should have had.
  • Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us.


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