People will tell me they don’t understand.  They look at me as some freak or just a very lazy person. How can you tell someone that inside an epic battle is going on, one of which always seems to when and each time it does, its a tiny bit of the good.  The bad side is not evil, I’m it’s only project.

It makes noises so, like something else, a crying baby takes me back to a day I will never forget because it doesn’t let me.  It forces me to take a holiday from the real world sending me back to where all began.  It’s not as scary as Panic Attacks but I can wake up minutes, hours, days and sometimes even a week.  It’s my brain trying to protect me from something that would cause an overload of feelings, emotions and experiences that I try so hard to try and overcome.

When most people find out I’m retired, it’s mostly “oh that’s fantastic”. It’s not, I lost a career and I can’t even work any more.  I have no goals, no vision or plans, whereas once upon a time, I was full of them.

I am trying to fix my partners gardening and a few things that are around the house, but I cannot.  I feel ashamed. There is just so much to do. Everything makes me anxious there is no escaping it, yet people still feel they can berate or lecture me.  I get “Come on just do it, it’s not as bad as you think.” If people cannot see your injuries and the many wounds to your soul, it’s not there. But I am lucky, what Little friends I have left, my fantastic and loving partner and a few really ran groups, I doubt I could have kept fighting and wouldn’t be here today.

This morning I am sad, not depressed, just sad.  As I think of all the dreams I had as a child, have just……. gone, no longer a possibility.  I am not the man I once was, I don’t feel like a man at all and from time to time have to get someone in to help me with simple things around the home and that takes away a bit of my pride each time and I really don’t have much pride these days.

I have tried “options” I have explored so many ways of therapy except for ECT and I don’t think I will go down that track.  I get angry during one on one therapy and just block myself off.  What happened to me that day so many years ago have been repressed and I do what I do best, push it all further back. I carry on as if nothing had happened, a secret I will take to the grave.

I walk a very lonely path because I carry my demons on my back, incessantly gnawing at my soul, I get on with its because I don’t wish to burden anyone. But I take things one day at a time.  I feel trapped but I have been fighting my demons for over 15 years now and losing the strength to keep fighting but I will still get into the wing and fight my demons until the day I die.

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