Just Me

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost

I know my last few blogs have been a bit down but it’s been a very hard slog the last couple of months and sometimes writing about them is the best therapy I know.

Occasionally I’ll watch a movie and it will give me something to ponder. I can be deep and rather a thinker at times, I don’t think this is a bad thing, it’s just a part of me. I never get tired of it. It’s funny and to me, thought provoking.

Ok so I just watched it again and as per usual I get to thinking. Unlike the movie where he’s forced to live the same day over and over again, sometimes our lives can be like that. Each day can be the same and many of us never experience those things that really matter like adventure, life, friends and love.

For most, the day is the same, get up, go to work, come home, fall asleep in front of the TV or something very similar.

I used to be adventurous, life was something to be explored, experience, devoured and enjoyed. The saying, we are only here for a short time is so true. Well my life changed and I found myself no longer the man I used to be. All the horrific things I have seen and sometimes, forced to do came back to haunt me one day, they seeped out of the locked box I pushed anything that stressed me into.

I used to be loud, but not obnoxious (well I think so), always bouncing from one place to the other, able to talk the leg off a chair. It’s funny how pain and your hidden demons can change a man, destroy his outlook on life and change his personality.

I’m a very complex person at the best of times. Please don’t misunderstand me, this isn’t a bad thing and I’ve always been the type of person you have to know for a while – to get to know. A bit like an onion where you have to peel each section away.

I’m slowly starting to live life again, experience it as I used to and my fear of losing those I care about is something I am dealing with because for a while there I was keeping people at bay but I was getting lonely, like the guy in Groundhog Day, I was forcing myself to live the same day over and over again.

I’m coming out of my shell and along the way I’ve met some fantastic people who in some small way have helped me or shown me that life is worth living.

I threw myself into a search about what really matters, to me. I don’t know how long I’ll be on this earth but I am damn sure that I want to have as many experiences as possible

I know men aren’t supposed to express their feelings openly but these blogs help me to gather my thoughts and if someone enjoys reading them, all the better. I have to let things out in case they burn me up inside.  Most of them go unpublished on this site, they help me t sort out my thoughts.

I don’t believe we have a pre ordained life all mapped out for us by some great power from the day we are born. I do however believe that there is a road we must travel, the road never changes but along the way we are offered cross roads which may take us in a different direction yet eventually bringing us back to the initial path we started on, maybe wiser, maybe happier or maybe not, but along the way the choice is ours and ours alone.

There are some very special people I have met recently, some briefly and some I continue to enjoy the friendship they have offered and I honestly treasure those moments and will continue to do sor for a long time to come.

I am a very independent person and don’t need anyone in my life to survive or enjoy it but I now have someone special, again, she complements the entire experience. To have someone to share my life with is a wonderful gift, and to be able to share theirs is a treasure.

Soppy? Corny? Maybe but who gives a shit.

Someone special has come into my life and she has shown me that life can be as exciting as it once was and to be lived to the fullest. She has given me her love although I’m broken.  An amazing person indeed.  I love her very much

There are a few other people I call close friends who without, I would be much poorer.

I used to be an adrenaline junky and yes I did stupid things sometimes but I had no responsibilities to others so I kept stretching the limits of good luck. Those who find out are surprised that I am also a poet, writer, hopeless romantic and thinker. I hide these things from others because I also enjoy being frivolous, a joker, insane and loud. If you put something in front of me I’ll want to know what makes it tick but sometimes you just have to accept that things are what they are and no matter how close you look – they will still not make sense but that’s ok because that makes life all the more interesting.

I’m like a book. My cover might be worn, the first few pages of the story dull but you need to read on to discover that it might just be something you can’t put down.

The girl I fell in love with doesn’t mind reading a few dull pages and she found inside something, a story that she can relate to, someone who will treasure the book, maybe even add pages to it, someone who, with a little care, can revive the cover.

I used to be a person who has never been one to live the same day, over and over again, but the fire inside me seemed to snuff out.  The man who no matter what,  always found something that excites, interests, compels, awakens and incites me.  Deep down I know that man exists

I don’t know what you will think when you read this but I do know that I don’t want to hide the real me, I’ve never been good at it and I see no reason too.

To the special lady who has come into my life – don’t go past that book, pick me up, read me from cover to cover, slowly, each page is a new discovery on who I am and where I have been and then add your own pages, enhance my story with that of your own – who knows, we might just have a best seller.

Tell Me What You Think

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