The Fat Bastard – AKA The Empurrer Tobias The 1st, or just Toby is my Cat.  I’m not sure why but all the Cats I have owned have always had some character that is entertaining or bloody well annoying and Toby seems to have beat them all.  TFB does four things really well but are not uncommon traits for cats; Eating, Sleeping, Shitting and Eating again.  He constantly begs for food or steals it from me or the cupboard.

This morning I woke up and went into the kitchen and slipped on bloody kitty kibble everywhere. TFB is not stupid, he’s nowhere to be seen.  He got into the cupboard and pushed over a large tin of kibble and had a feast but, it didn’t stop there.  He had also got into the packets of wet cat food and torn a few open leaving a big sticky mess in the pantry cupboard.

As I’m painfully (back issues) on the floor cleaning up his mess he comes out and starts screaming for food.  One look from me and he gets the message and slinks off.  So far he has learnt how to open the fridge and the pantry cupboard.  In the past, he’s opened biscuits and other various foods and stolen stuff from the fridge he knows he’s done wrong because he will roll over on his back, give this “I’m so innocent” look and expects me to rub his belly.  I usually give in.  I refuse to let him go outside because I just know he’ll find a way to extort food from the neighbours.

His favourite trick to wake me for food is to stare at me with only a few centimetres from my face and purrr loudly and I mean loudly.  If I move or open my eyes, he’s straight out to the kitchen.

This morning was no different but because I lay there pretending to be asleep he changed tactics and headbutted me right in the nose and actually caused a nose bleed.  He has a head harder than mine.

I am adamant this cat is going to become my next bath mat, but he’ll win me over in the end by jumping onto my lap, purr loudly and I will probably forgive him.

What I do find funny is that he likes to sit on Rita’s lap when she stays here or on her legs at night.  Toby is a big cat, Rita is a tad short and when he does these things to here she can barely lift him.  I call him fat but in reality, he is a really big cat and when he settles in, Rita is not going anywhere.

Now most animals do not like thunder and storms.  Not Toby.  He likes to sit on the window ledge and every time there is a clap of thunder he makes a noise of delight, I shit you not.  He loves storms.


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